Funny things to say

Funny Things to Say that Will Make People Laugh
Laughter is the best medicine. Whether it’s your friends, family, or colleagues, a few well-timed jokes can lighten the mood and help create a memorable conversation. Here are some funny things to say that are sure to leave your listeners in stitches and have the whole room laughing in no time.

Funny Comebacks

Let’s start by taking a look at some funny comebacks that can be used in everyday conversations. This is a great way to diffuse awkward situations or one-up a joke that someone else made:

1. “Nice perfume – are you wearing it, or did someone pour you on?”
2. “Oh, I didn’t know you were an expert. Did the voices tell you that, too?”
3. “Come on now, don’t be mad. I’m only kidding. With a face like yours, you should be used to it by now.”
4. “Thanks for noticing. It only took you four hours to figure it out.”
5. “How do you stay so calm? Did you have your ass surgically removed?”
6. “You’re wrong, I’m right. That’s why this game is called “rock, paper, scissors.”
7. “Life’s been good to you, hasn’t it? That’s why you look so homely.”
8. “Sorry, I didn’t hear what you said. It must not have been important because I’ve heard much smarter things from a rock.”

Pop Culture References

We can also draw inspiration from some inspiring pop culture references. Whether you’re impressed or appalled, everyone enjoys a good joke or two about the latest news, app, or viral catchphrase:

9. “I heard you two were dating. How’s that going? I’m guessing it’s a serious commitment, since neither of you had to swerve their way through a coronavirus test.”
10. “I heard you switched your major. Has your interest in English paper writing withered away faster than the leaves in autumn?”
11. “What did you think of that new game that just came out? Is it actually fun to play, or is it just like Tinder and you hope it’ll get you laid?”
12. “I heard you’re taking the SAT. Did you know that the test isn’t actually graded on a scale ranging from 1 to 10…it’s only out of 1600.”
13. “How’s the dorm room? I heard it’s really small – did you have to buy a Petco-sized kennel just to fit a full-sized desk?”
14. “We’re heading back to school soon. Have you prepared your year’s resolution? I’m pretty sure mine involves getting to class on time, but I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Sarcastic One-Liners

Sarcastic one-liners are all about delivering the punchline quickly and sometimes unexpectedly. If the crowd is looking a little too serious, this is where you can drop a few cleverly-crafted one-liners to get everyone laughing:

15. “Woah, who put a broom up your butt? Someone needs to take it out before you start sweeping the floor.”
16. “I heard you got a new job. Congratulations. Do they pay you in fun coupons, or do you actually get real money?”
17. “Impressive. I bet you’re so smart that you could answer any question I ask with the correct response.”
18. “I heard you’re looking for a new place to live. Good luck – people almost never pick the year-long lease at their first visit.”
19. “Did you hear the latest news? I heard you’re the new town doctor. Let’s just say that it’s a good thing you majored in English.”
20. “You must be psychic. You know exactly what someone’s going to say before they say it…wait, no, you’re just boring.”

Funny “Knock, Knock” Jokes

“Knock-knock” jokes are a classic way to get the party started and get everyone laughing. Here are a few timeless one-liners:

21. “Knock, knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Boo.”
    “Boo who?”
    “I think you’re scared, aren’t you?”

22. “Knock, knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Luke.”
    “Luke who?”
    “Luke out! I’m done talking to you.”

23. “Knock, knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Boo.”
    “Boo who?”
    “Don’t cry; it’s just a joke.”

24. “Knock, knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Boo.”
    “Boo who?”
    “Glad you asked – you’re looking quite boo-tiful today.”

Play on Words

Here are a few quick one-liners that make a play on words:

25. “What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.”
26. “What did the tree say to the wind? Leaf me alone.”
27. “Why did the hamburger call the police? It was going to a patty.”
28. “Why don’t noses run in the summer? Because they don’t have the schnozzle.”

Hilarious Self-Deprecating Humor

Let’s not forget that we can always rely on a little self-deprecating humor. These one-liners are sure to get some hearty laughs:

29. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”
30. “I don’t always understand what I’m saying, but I’m good at pretending I do.”
31. “I just realized that I’m smarter than the average bear. I’m just not sure which average bear I’m smarter than.”
32. “I’m not lazy, I’m just really efficient at not doing anything.”
33. “I’m not old, I’m just chronologically gifted.”

Hilarious Animal Jokes

Finally, no list of funny jokes would be complete without some animal one-liners. Animals have been the source of jokes and humor for generations, and they are sure to lighten the mood in any conversation:

34. “What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.”
35. “What do you call a cheetah that can bake? A cheetah-t.”
36. “What did the bee say when it got home? Honey, I’m home!”
37. “What did the hippo say when it entered the store? Is there a sale today?”
38. “What do you call a cat that loves to swim? A kat-tuna.”

Whether you’re making a joke about a pop culture reference, playing off words, or making an animal joke, funny things to say can instantly lighten the mood and make any evening that much more enjoyable. From funny comebacks to hilarious self-deprecating humor, these are sure to get the room laughing.